Man Commits Suicide By Wandering Into Siberian Tiger Pen

A man was killed by tigers at Copenhagen Zoo today after he scaled a fence and crossed a moat to gain access to the predators’ enclosure. The victim, who was 21, was savaged by three tigers after he broke into the zoo in the Danish capital in the early hours. He was found dead surrounded by the Siberian tigers when staff arrived for work. It is unclear why the man, who has not yet been identified, entered the enclosure but police have not ruled out suicide as a possible motive. Superintendent Lars Borg revealed that a post-mortem examination has shown the man was bitten on the thigh, chest, face and throat. ‘The tigers attacked him and killed him. It is likely that a bite to the throat was the primary reason for his death.

A lot of people feel a certain way about cats, but when you look at their build there really aren’t that many better killers out in the animal kingdom. Big cats and sharks kind of have a stranglehold on things. People hate housecats because they live their lives believing they’re a tiger when really they’re just a pussy, but legitimate tigers should be respected for the jugular-striking murderers they are. They’re quick, strong, hunt in packs, always land on their feet, and have Wolverine claws. This kid knew what he was doing.

He went out with a fight. Some people prefer a quiet suicide with lots of solemn reflection, others wanna fist-fight a pack of Siberian tigers until we see who’s best. Yeah, the tigers are best, but if my man held his own I’m sure there’s a bloody tiger missing an eye or something. Either way it was way more riveting than jumping off a bridge or taking a Seau-ing himself the chest.